Do you like spider crickets? Because I'm not fond of them....

For this story, keep in mind that this thing looked like a spider. A huge jumping spider.

I was having a perfectly lovely Monday off from work. I like Mondays off, because I feel if you work Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun, you deserve Monday off. Am I right? I had a leisurely brunch around 1pm: fried potatoes, bacon, toast and eggs. I came upstairs so check my email. Out of the corner of my eye I see what I think is a cricket. Upon closer inspection, it looked like a crrrreeeeeepy spider. I throw a box at it to gauge its responsiveness: it jumped a foot lateral and 7 inches vertical and then went into my closet. Fuuuuuuck.

I stand there paralyzed, afraid to walk past the closet to get downstairs in case he jumps out at me. I finally muster up the courage to walk past the door, all the while yelling "don't jump out, don't jump out, don't jump out!" I go out to the porch to find the bug spray. There is none. I mix up a concoction of Clorox Clean Up and water, and set my spray bottle to "stream." I head upstairs, and get one of the lights from the photo studio. I shine it into the closet.

There he is. Right in the corner like a good spider should be. I score a direct hit my first time around, and he starts jumping around like a maniac. I spray and spray and spray and scream and scream and scream. He jumps and jumps and jumps. He finally shows signs of fatigue and I spray and spray and spray. Damnit Clorox Clean Up, how long before you get into this guys lungs?!? He finally starts to curl up a bit.

I'm not fooled. I've killed enough spiders and seen enough horror flicks to know that he is only pretending to be dead. He lies there motionless, upside down, glistening. I wait. No movement. I spray him again. Still nothing. I stand there and wait for Rod to get home to remove the body. I know if I move to get the broom, the body will be gone when I get back.

My Monday is ruined.
After the Clorox.....